A new story, for a while

I’ve completely, absolutely, lost my self-confidence.

I don’t know what caused it, honestly. It’s not like I’m having a bad time at work, and I’ve been enjoying working on the game! I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m the wrong person, in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

At work, at home and online, I’m surrounded by deeply intelligent, creative and successful people – and I feel like I’m just treading water.

And it’s tough to feel proud of just treading water.

Jams

So, I haven’t been super motivated to work on the game. I thought a game jam might help me finish something I can be proud of and release me from the funk, but I lost my bottle and abandoned both the jams I started.

I think part of the problem was starting new projects, but still working on more of the same. I took a break from making a platformer to make another platformer, then another platformer. There are only so many times I can go over the same movement and collision code before I get sick of the sight of it!

An old comfort zone

So I’ve taken a bit of a break from the routine, and I found myself playing a bit of one of my favourites: 80 Days.

I’m not especially good at it! But over the years, it’s become a comforting place to rest. And I started my semi-annual rewatch of PyroTyger’s play-through, too. I love watching people take the paths that I miss!

It’s just such a lovely story. Even when things go wrong for our intrepid heroes, it’s still rather cosy – more or less. I love the imagery of the places, the excitement of the journey, and the character interactions are gorgeous.

And you know what? It’s sort of put me in the mood to write a story, too.

Better to potter than to rot

I’ve been mucking around with my own little scripting markup for a few years now, for the RPGs and point-and-click adventures I’ve drifted in and out of. It doesn’t do anything that, say, Ink doesn’t do, but it suits the way my brain works, and I enjoy evolving it as-and-when I think of new things I want to do.

The thought of working on anything too big is giving me anxiety, but a short project to build a little narrative engine to tell a little story? At least, I can kid myself that it’s “little”. But, yeah! I like the thought of a toy project to distract myself with.

I had a look for any upcoming jams I could build it during, because deadlines motivate me, and I spotted Trans/Queer Jam out on the horizon. Not to be too cliché about it, but as a trans queer, of course I’m predisposed to joining! But it’s a story-driven jam, which is exactly what I need right now too.

It doesn’t start for another month plus change, but the rules say we can start early, so here’s what I’m thinking:

I want to break out of this funk of feeling useless, and I think the way out is to finish and release some small thing. It’s a better plan than spinning my wheels or just watching TV forever. So, I think I’ll start working on my story engine with a test project today, then I’ll use that engine in the jam. And so I don’t feel too much like I’m cheating, I won’t start working on the jam’s story until the jam starts. The only pre-work is the engine.

I do hope you’re all feeling better than I am. I’m not sure if it’s the wars, the death of the planet or just not enough vitamin D during the winter, but I know a lot of my friends and colleagues have felt the same weight in the air.

Whatever it is, take care of yourselves out there. ❤️